Things that make me anxious, part 7: Clouds.
Today my brain broke.
A heavy cloud descended on my brow and darkened the world. It was probably my own fault, I've been ignoring that little "you have 63 updates waiting" box for far too long and forgetting to shut down and restart.
And so my head has yet another fog in it. This one is very different to that mysterious derealisation cloud I spoke about on Wednesday. This one is sinister and chaotic and made of anger, sadness and injustice. It is full of hot rain and rage and it sits right on the front of my forehead, weighing down on my thoughts. It is stormy, invasive and blinding and every attempted distraction is futile.
I am lucky to have a usually sunny outlook. Anxiety and depression so often go hand in hand, but for me that hasn't been the case. It must take up so much energy to fight them both at the same time - this one Sunday is crippling to me, but the temporary nature of it keeps me mostly calm.
It's important to recognise that not all anxiety means an Anxiety Disorder and feeling depressed doesn't always mean you have Depression. A dark day can really take it out of you though, and that's OK. The things that make me feel better won't necessarily work for you, because we are all individuals, united by - but not defined by - our struggles.
We all have different sunshines. We all have different clouds. We all have different Sundays: mine feels like a Joy Division song.
There are some posts that are really scary to write/publish, even for someone who writes and talks about mental illness ALL THE TIME. This is one of those posts.
It's so important that people are as open about their bad days as they are about their good - it helps us feel better understood and less isolated.
I couldn't really do what I do, without being completely honest with you.
I wish more than anything that mental health support was available to everyone. Every one of us has mental health, whether or not we’re ill, and learning how to nurture our own is critical because here’s the thing: you can really damage your own mental health by not taking care of it.
The reality is that by neglecting your own mental health, you could potentially make yourself more ill.
I’m not suggesting in any way that you are responsible for your mental illness, that is totally beyond your control - and I really do feel your pain. I am suggesting that you are responsible for your mental health, as far as that there are things you can do to help it along.
I've been very unwell lately, and wanted to give you all a little update on where I'm at emotionally and with my mental health.
Happy Golden Wedding Anniversary to two of the most giving and caring human beings in my life:
My Nana and Grandad.
Between you, you have helped shape me and helped keep my head above water when the tides have been high.
There aren't words that can do you justice, but I'm going to try anyway.
The lack of easily accessible help and treatment available for Mental Health isn't just letting us down, it's letting our doctors down too.
Read about my recent GP appointment, the options that were given to me and why I feel let down by what is available to me.
A quick rant about stomach pain.
I really hate birthdays, especially my own. The only birthday I really ever enjoy is Jesus’ tbh.
It’s been a tough time of year for me since mum died. The timed it’s really easy to miss her are the “family times” and she used to make a pretty big deal about my birthday so it kind of hurts a lot that she’s not here to make a fuss anymore.
"Mental Illness". What a weirdly inappropriate term. How is it that people with mental illnesses are still all grouped together like some dysfunctional rabble of lunatics? It's 2018, man. "Mental Illness" shouldn't mean anything more than "illness".
And yet it does.