Things that make me anxious, part 10: Not being a goat.
Ultimately, my anxieties boil down to this: I am shit scared of dying.
Actually, now that I'm looking at that sentence, I want to correct it. I'm not particularly afraid of dying (not any more than any other person anyway); what I'm actually scared of is BEING DEAD. Most of my anxieties link back to it.
I'm scared of stairs because I think I'll fall and break my neck and die.
I'm scared of post because I think it might contain explosives.
I'm scared of Orcas because they can drown and/or eat me.
I can't even watch BAMBI without fearing my own deer-like death.
I'm not too sure where it comes from. My Mum died when I was 19, but I had already been having panic attacks for a couple of years, and experiencing other symptoms of anxiety for far longer. It made it worse for a while, yes - but it wasn't the root cause of it.
In the wild this hyper-alert, always in search of danger mindset that I have would probably have been quite useful. Maybe if I was a rabbit or a goat or something, I'd be the best rabbit or goat or something. It seems pretty fucking useless right now though, brain. Now that I'm sat in my room flinching at every car that drives past and wondering if that noise I can hear is an intruder or just my own tired brain trying to stop me from watching something shit on Netflix.
I desperately want another cup of tea, but I read an article somewhere about a guy who died from a caffeine OD, plus it would involve going downstairs, which again probably means facing an intruder and DEFINITELY means saying another guilt-filled goodnight to my dog, as he gives me the "please stay" eyes. So I'm paralysed - AGAIN - by this stupid anxiety.
And all I can think about is being dead. If I were a goat I wouldn't have the same perception of death would I? Sure, I'd still be frightened most of my (furry lil) life, but I wouldn't have the same questions about existence and religion and philosophy as Human Anneli. I doubt goat Anneli would give a shit about what colour grass she was eating, let alone whether or not there's an afterlife. She wouldn't be so afraid of not existing that she sometimes couldn't sleep, because she was convinced that THIS time would be the time she didn't wake up. Of course she wouldn't, she would just be a goat and be chill.
I fucking hate anxiety.