Why can’t I let myself be angry?

I’m stressed. It’s a truly horrible thing to write, not really because I don’t want anyone to know; but more because I find it really difficult to admit to myself that I am stressed. 

I’m not very easily rattled; I don’t very often become stressed. Anxious, yes; but not stressed.

I have anger issues. 100%. My issue isn’t that I am an overly angry person; but rather that I find anger so vulgar and unreasonable, that I find it almost impossible to tolerate. This becomes especially problematic when it is me who is angry.

My Dad taught me from a young age that raising my voice at another human to assert dominance over them was totally unacceptable. I firmly believe that. Over the years, I have grown into someone who is self analytical and I have a high level of empathy; both of these things have exacerbated my un-angry nature. Add in a few years of being abused by my ex, and I’m utterly repulsed by any kind of aggression whatsoever.

Do you know what IS angry though? PTSD.

I hate it. I have days when I feel like “FUCK THE WORLD”; days when little things make me agitated; days when I feel like there’s no bloody justice.

Of course, I know it’ll pass. I know I’ll return to my usual happy self in a few hours (maybe even minutes), but in the meantime I’m just SO hard on myself.

It’s a totally ridiculous reaction to have, I shouldn’t be hard on myself at all. I’ve been through the wars. The occasional period of anger is a totally reasonable and valid reaction to have. The problem I have is that my frustration is exacerbated so much more by my lack of acceptance of it.

If I could just practice some patience towards myself, I’d be able to recover much more quickly and far more easily.

Why is it that I can’t allow myself this one emotion? Why can’t I just indulge some anger, let it wave over me and pass?

And then of course, my anger turns inward. I’m pissed off with myself for not being able to express these feelings that are trapped inside me. I spent so long making excuses for someone who was taking their anger out on me, I could tolerate being on the receiving end of someone else’s issues, but I can’t acknowledge the fact that, as a result of that, I might have some anger of my own to deal with now.

It’s like there is a part of me that thinks I am immune to stress and anger; above it somehow. Then, of course, I’m angry at myself all over again for being some weird fucking martyr, who is all about the self punishment.

Like how many times do I talk about self-care and tolerance on social media. If you follow me, you must have seen me bang on about the benefits of expressing emotion in a healthy way.

Why am I torturing myself by holding myself to such ridiculous standards. I’m ill for fucks sakes, and I’m making myself a damn sight iller by being such a bloody dick about it.

Anneli, you need to bloody chill man, you’re so repressed that it’s positively Victorian. What is going on here?! When did throwing so much positivity into the world distract you from the fact that it was at the expense of your own sanity.

I don’t know what all my triggers are yet, which means I can’t stop myself spinning around in my inner turmoil. I know it makes it difficult to write though. Brilliant for an aspiring writer! Guess how many article drafts are currently sat in my blog? 67.

That is 67 times I have sat myself down and started to write about social media or chronic pain or self harm or little wins or the effect alcohol has on mental health and haven’t been able to continue because I’m so crippled by my angst.

I keep putting 5,000,000 tons of energy into the needs and happiness of others that I’m self sabotaging by completely ignoring my own.

Caring for myself is a noble pursuit though isn’t it? I deserve to be happy (is saying this step one to believing it?!)


Are you enjoying Pigletish?

You can now keep me pumped full of caffeine, by buying me a coffee. 

I'd be VERY grateful. Anxiety is exhausting work. 

 


Anneli RobertsComment